That wasn't in the brochure...

Motherhood is a blessing. I cannot imagine my life without my beautiful and talented girls by my side. I wouldn't change a hair on their heads.

Motherhood is just as wonderful as "they" say it is... except when it isn't.

While all those things I said were true, it doesn't mean that I haven't had little fantasies involving running away from home, entering the Witness Protection Program, or having Calgon take me away. It seems sometimes that motherhood is like a sorority during pledge week. To the uninitiated it all seems so perfect and supportive. You see all the members of Tri Gamma Mamma with their sleek hairdos and well-dressed tots. You want to be a part of this group.

But just like other misguided sororities, hazing runs rampant. And once you join, there's no way out. Let's face it, motherhood is not for the faint of heart. Yes, as a mother you will experience great love and emotional bonding with your child, but you will also experience moments of heart-stopping fear. Your body can produce and nourish a person, but it will never be the same again.

And so, for your reading pleasure, I give you a list of things I never thought I'd say:

I hope someday you have a kid just like you. -- Not my proudest moment and not because I used "the curse" on my kid, but because I'd hoped to hold onto it until she was in her rebellious teen years. What can I say? Sleep deprivation does bad things to me.

Thank God! I'm so happy I ran over the tricycle! -- No, I haven't resorted to running over toys that have fallen from favor. This one involves that fear I mentioned earlier. I was just moving my car back a few feet in the driveway. I had seen that Miss B (who was close to 3 at the time) was safely away from the driveway, but when you feel something under your wheel and hear a child's screams and cries... I lost ten years off my life that day. But luckily, the only other casualty was the trike (at whose demise my daughter screamed and cried).

Fine, do it. Knock yourself out. -- That's right. I channeled my mother. This was her preferred phrase of exasperation. Think of it as shorthand for: "Listen, dear child, you are annoying me with your persistent harping. I am giving in because my ears are about to bleed, and I don't think that allowing you to do this will result in bodily harm (for either of us)." I swore I'd never say it, but it did take much longer to come out than "the curse."

At least I learned how to get chocolate-milk-based-barf out of cashmere. -- I really think that this one is self-explanatory.

And yes, despite the fact that I have never once vacuumed while wearing pearls and high heels, this motherhood thing does live up to the hype. And when you think about the miracle that are children, it makes the sleep-depriving, barf-covered, life-span-reducing, please-will-someone-end-this-nagging moments worth every minute, even if I do resort to mentally planning my escape to Zihuatanejo.